“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams
In this post, I’m taking a moment between mother wound sessions to share five signs that ending your relationship with your mom might be better than staying and trying to make it work.
Deciding to go no contact with a parent is a deeply personal decision, and only you can determine what’s ultimately right for you.
No one knows your relationship with your mom better than you—not your therapist, not your siblings, and definitely not this blog post. Trust yourself to make the decision that’s best for your mental health and overall well-being.
Before we dive in, here’s an important note: while this post focuses on moms, here at the Mother Wound Project we recognize that parents of all genders can and do behave in ways that make estrangement necessary. If your situation involves another parent, feel free to substitute “mom” as you read.
The Current Reality with Mom
Since you’re reading this post, I’m going to go ahead and guess that your relationship with your mom isn’t good. And it probably hasn’t been good for a long time.
Meanwhile you’ve tried everything—difficult conversations, boundaries, compromising, more difficult conversations—but the situation isn’t improving. If anything, things are getting worse.
At this point you’re feeling:
Exhausted: “Is the relationship with my own mother supposed to be this hard?”
Overwhelmed: “How much longer can I put up with all this?”
Dismissed: “Why won’t she just take me seriously?”
What you do know for sure is that your mom is living rent free in your head, and the important relationships and obligations in your life—your kids, your partner, your work—are all starting to suffer.
You’ve heard about adult children going no contact and wondered if it might be right for you, but you keep hesitating. You tell yourself you’re “overreacting,” that other people “have it worse,” and that what your mom did isn’t “that bad.”
But deep down? You’re not so sure anymore.
If you’re thinking about going no contact with your mom, I don’t need to know you to know you’ve been deeply hurt by her. Cutting ties with a parent isn’t something children of any age do lightly or for fun. Instead, it’s a decision born out of necessity and self-preservation.
This reluctance to sever ties is rooted in our evolutionary history. For early humans, staying close to one’s parents was essential for survival. Those who maintained strong parent-child bonds were more likely to survive long enough to pass their DNA to future generations.
This evolutionary legacy means that the pull to stay connected to your mom—even when the relationship is harmful—is literally hardwired. Primitive parts of your brain still believe that your connection with her is essential for your survival, which is why the thought of going no contact can feel so overwhelming and terrifying.
But for many, the reality is this: the pain of staying with mom eventually outweighs the pain of leaving.
If you’re wondering whether cutting ties with your mother might be the healthiest choice for your emotional well-being, here are five signs to consider.
1. Your Mom Invalidates Your Feelings and Concerns
Think back to the last time you went to your mom about something she’d said or done that you experienced as hurtful or offensive.
(If you can’t remember the last time you felt able to approach your mom like this, there’s your sign.)
How did your mom respond to you? Did she:
Listen openly to what you had to say?
Show genuine respect for and care for your feelings?
Make you feel heard, understood, and most importantly believed?
If your answer is no to any of these questions, this is worth paying attention to. Healthy mother-adult child relationships, like all healthy relationships, require mutual respect.
If your mom makes a habit out of dismissing your concerns or invalidating your feelings, this is a clear signal that she may not be capable of engaging in the kind of relationship you deserve.
2. Your Mom Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Speaking of healthy relationships, boundaries are another must. Unsurprisingly, abusive moms seem to think their children’s boundaries don’t apply to them. This is something I talk about frequently both on Instagram and in my online mother wound community.
When you set a boundary with your mom, her response is telling. What does she do? Does she respect your boundary (the only truly acceptable answer), or does she:
Argue with you about your boundary?
Ignore your boundary altogether?
Guilt-trip you about your boundary?
Accuse you of being mean, selfish, or demanding?
If your mom can’t respect your boundaries, she’s not respecting you as a person. And like we talked about earlier, without mutual respect healthy relationships just aren’t possible.
3. You Feel Like You Owe Your Mom a Relationship
One of the biggest reasons people stay in dysfunctional relationships with abusive moms is because they feel obligated. The thinking goes like this: “But she’s my mom. She sacrificed so much for me. I have to stay.”
The thing is, loving moms don’t make their children feel indebted to them. Remember how the whole entire point of parenting is to love your children unconditionally without expecting anything in return?
The only people any of us owes a relationship to is our own children, and your mom, regardless of her questionable behavior, certainly doesn’t fit the bill.
When your mom chose to become your mother, you didn’t get to choose to be her child. Instead, you had zero say in the matter.
If anyone has the right to walk away from a relationship that’s not working for them, it’s someone who never consented to the relationship in the first place.
4. Your Mom Gaslights You
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s very common amongst abusers, and abusive mothers are no exception. If your mom has a history of gaslighting you, this is a major red flag.
The main reason why gaslighting is so dangerous is because it has the power to manipulate abuse survivors into questioning and doubting their own sense of reality.
And when the person doing the manipulating is someone children of all ages should be able to trust—their own mother—this makes it all the more damaging.
While gaslighting can occur in a near infinite number of ways in dysfunctional mother-child relationships, it most often sounds like:
“You’re so sensitive.”
“It was just a joke. Calm down.”
“That didn’t happen.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“I’d never say something like that.”
“Stop being so dramatic.”
“You’re just looking for things to be upset about.”
To read more about mother wound moms who gaslight, check out this in-depth article.
5. Your Mom Rejects Your Identity
A truly loving mother cherishes her children for who they authentically are. This means embracing every aspect of their identity—their gender, sexuality, race, personality, and anything else that makes them uniquely themselves.
If your mom rejects or criticizes your identity, tries to mold you into someone you’re not, or loves you based on your ability to meet her expectations, then that “love” you’re receiving from her isn’t really love at all.
You deserve more than mere tolerance or conditional acceptance. You deserve to be fully celebrated, valued, and loved just as you are. Anything less can leave lasting emotional scars, but recognizing this truth is the first step toward finding your way back home to yourself.
Final Thoughts
Deciding to go no contact with your mom is one of the hardest decisions you might ever make. It’s normal to feel conflicted. But remember: no one knows your situation better than you do.
If your mom dismisses your concerns, ignores your boundaries, plays the victim, makes you feel obligated, or rejects you for who you are, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is doing more harm than good.
Whatever you decide, know this: you are worthy of love, respect, and healthy relationships. Trust yourself to take the steps that will bring you closer to healing the mother wound, even if it means letting her go.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
The Mother Wound Project is the number one therapist-recommended organization dedicated to helping you heal the mother wound. Check out our two bestselling resources to start healing today:
📖 Reclaim: A 60-day guided journal that helps you heal the mother wound through gaining clarity about your mom and how she’s affected you, rewriting your story, and reconnecting with your true self. Click here to buy Reclaim.
🤝 Breakthrough: Join a compassionate mother wound membership community where people just like you are healing the mother wound together using the same proven tools and strategies Stephi uses with her clients. Click here to learn about Breakthrough.
