“All great truths begin as blasphemy.” - George Bernard Shaw
Parenting is one of the most significant commitments a person can make, but it’s also a choice—a choice made by the parent, not the child. Yet, many parents today treat their decision to become parents as an investment, expecting hefty returns once their kids reach adulthood.
“I sacrificed so much for my kids. You’d think they’d want to drop everything for their mother when she needs something. Not my ungrateful adult children.”
“I put my son through college as a single parent. The least he can do is let me live with him when I’m old.”
“I feel sorry for people who never had children. I had my three kids so I wouldn’t die alone in a home somewhere.”
Comments like these are more common than you might think, and they reveal a troubling mindset: the belief that children owe their parents simply for being raised. But here’s the reality—parenting isn’t a transaction. You can’t demand repayment from someone who never agreed to the terms of the deal in the first place.
It’s time to shift this narrative. Children don’t owe their parents anything simply for being born. Instead, the responsibility lies with parents to love, guide, and support their children—without strings attached. Let’s take a look at six common misconceptions about what children supposedly owe their parents.
1. Gratitude
Being a parent is not a transactional relationship. You choose to become a parent, and with that choice comes the responsibility to meet your child’s basic needs—housing, food, education, and love. These are not optional acts deserving of thanks; they’re the foundation of parenting.
If your child one day feels gratitude for the care you provided them, that’s wonderful. But parents aren’t owed gratitude. Expecting a child to praise you for fulfilling your responsibilities as a parent unfairly shifts the dynamic. Parenthood is about giving unconditionally, not collecting accolades.
2. A Relationship
Here’s a hard truth: Your child does not owe you a relationship. Parenthood is a lifelong role, but that doesn’t mean your child is obligated to maintain a connection if they feel it’s harmful to their well-being.
When children grow up, they get to decide who they let into their lives—including their parents. If they choose to go no contact, this is a reflection on how you’ve treated them, not their moral character. As painful as this may be, take this as an opportunity to reflect on the role you’ve played in the estrangement and focus on respecting their wishes.
3. Justification
If your adult child steps away from the relationship, you might think you deserve an explanation. But the truth is, you aren’t owed one. Their decision to set boundaries or walk away is theirs to make, and expecting them to justify it is just more of the problem.
Rather than demanding answers or playing the victim, consider asking yourself why they might have felt the need to distance themselves from you in the first place. Despite what other estranged parents might tell you, children don’t just get up and walk away from parents they feel loved and respected by.
4. Love
Love is the foundation of parenting—but it’s not something your child owes you. It’s actually something you as the parent owe them. And love, by its very nature, is a gift freely given, not a debt to be paid.
As a parent, your job is to love your child unconditionally. If your child loves you back, that’s a beautiful thing. But if they don’t, it’s not a betrayal or failure on their part. One-sided love is painful, but it’s also part of the promise you made when you decided to pursue parenthood.
5. Approval
Children have every right to evaluate their upbringing and form their own opinions about their childhood and the people who raised them. If your child criticizes your parenting, it’s not an attack—it’s their lived experience.
Approval isn’t a given in parenthood. Children are impacted by the choices parents make, and they have every right to process those experiences honestly. Instead of demanding they tell you only what you want to hear, take the opportunity to listen and grow. Your future self will thank you.
6. Silence
Your child has a right to speak about their life—even the painful parts. Whether they choose to share their experiences with a therapist, with a friend or publicly on social media, it’s not a betrayal; it’s their truth.
Parents who expect their children to stay silent about harmful behavior are asking for complicity, not respect. And nothing about that is loving. Instead of focusing on how their honesty reflects on you, reflect on your actions and commit to doing better. Looking for a good place to start? I suggest offering a genuine apology.
Parenting with Humility and Grace
Parenthood is not about what your child gives you; it’s about what you give to your child. Demanding gratitude, love, or loyalty from your children places an unfair burden on them and shifts the focus away from your responsibility as a parent.
Children deserve the freedom to live their lives without the weight of undue expectations. As parents, our role is to provide love, support, and understanding—unconditionally. And when we fall short, the most important thing we can offer isn’t an expectation of silence—it’s accountability, growth, and the willingness to set our egos aside.
When we parent with humility and grace, we open the door to relationships built on mutual respect, not obligation. That’s the kind of connection worth striving for.
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