“The people closest to us should be most likely to believe our descriptions of reality and to care when we’re hurt.” - Deborah Tuerkheimer

Having the mother wound is hard enough. The last thing anyone who’s healing after a difficult, absent, or abusive mom needs is judgment. Yet, even in 2025, it’s all too common for people to open up about their mother wound experiences, only to be met with skepticism, dismissal, or even outright disbelief.

These reactions don’t just sting—they multiply the pain of having a harmful mother. Not only did the survivor’s mom let them down, now this person they needed support from their harmful mother is letting them down, too. Ouch.

And it’s not just misinformed strangers on the internet, either. Family, friends, and unfortunately even many mental health professionals have been guilty of chastising mother wound survivors.

As a mother wound survivor myself, I’ll just put it plainly: We’re tired of it, and not only that, we deserve better.

In this blog post I’m unpacking six exhausting phrases mother wound survivors everywhere never want to hear again. I’ll also share alternative, supportive things to say that make a world of difference. If you’re reading this to better support a mother wound survivor in your life, thank you. Let’s dive in.

1. “At least you have a mom”

Ah, the infamous “at least”—an attempt to find a silver lining that backfires spectacularly. For starters, truly supportive statements never begin with “at least.”

Imagine saying to your friend who has a crushing migraine, “At least you have a head.” Or saying to a coworker whose husband of 30 years just filed for divorce, “At least you got to be married.” Or saying to your neighbor whose dog just passed away suddenly, “At least you had a dog.”

Yikes, right? These phrases don’t comfort—they dismiss. So when someone says, “At least your mom’s still alive,” to a survivor who’s been abused by their mom, all it does is it invalidates their pain.

So what are some better alternatives to saying “At least you have a mom”? Try saying something like:

• “That sounds painful. I’m sorry you went through that.”

• “I’m here for you. What can I do to help?”

• “I see how hard this is for you, and I want you to know I care.”

2. “She did the best she could”

This phrase hits like nails on a chalkboard for those of us living with the mother wound. What I often want to say in response? “Sure, you think you’re guilt-tripping me for a noble cause, but all you’re really doing is justifying her harmful behavior.”

When someone says, “She did the best she could,” it comes across as a subtle directive to let go of our pain—to stop feeling hurt because our mother tried. But here’s the thing: acknowledging someone’s intentions or limitations doesn’t erase the damage they caused. The harm is still real, and the feelings are still valid.

Still not convinced that using the “she tried her best” sledgehammer isn’t helpful? Imagine applying it in these scenarios:

Them: The surgeon made a serious mistake during my heart operation.

You: But your surgeon did the best they could!

Them: The babysitter slept all day while my twins cried in dirty diapers.

You: But your babysitter did the best she could!

Them: The builder forgot to reinforce the roof, so it collapsed.

You: But the builder did the best he could!

Them: The dentist pulled out a healthy tooth instead of filling my cavity.

You: But your dentist did the best they could!

You’d never respond like this because it completely lacks empathy. So why would it be acceptable when someone’s sharing their pain caused by a dysfunctional mother?

By tweaking how you respond, you can show real compassion. Instead of minimizing their experience, try saying things like:

• “I’m sorry your mom hurt you. You didn’t deserve that.”

• “It must be so painful to feel betrayed by someone who was supposed to nurture and protect you.”

• “Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to grieve what you didn’t receive.”

These kinds of responses don’t just validate the pain—they create space for healing and understanding. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about excusing the harm. It’s about supporting the person who’s lived through it.

3. “Your mom’s nice to me”

I get where you’re going with this, but let me stop you right there. You don’t think Ted Bundy went around murdering every single person within a ten-foot radius, do you? No? How about Jeffrey Dahmer? Same answer?

Now take that thought process and apply it to difficult, absent, or abusive moms. Because guess what? That’s not how they work either. The uncomfortable truth is that someone can seem perfectly nice to you while being absolutely heinous to someone else—especially their own child. The two realities aren’t mutually exclusive.

When you say, “Your mom’s nice to me,” it can feel dismissive, as though you’re implying that the person sharing their pain must be exaggerating or misunderstanding their own experience. It invalidates the reality of what they’ve endured and shifts the focus away from their pain to your limited perception of their mom’s behavior.

Instead of making it about how their mom treated you, try responses like:

• “I believe you. I’m here to listen anytime.”

• “I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds incredibly painful.”

• “No parent should behave that way.”

These statements show that you’re listening and that you believe the other person’s experience. Remember, someone’s mother wound isn’t reduced or erased just because their mom was “nice” to you. Empathy means holding space for their truth, even when it’s different from your own experience.

4. “Someday she’ll be gone”

When a client tells me they’ve been hit with, “Someday your mom will be gone,” I can feel my blood pressure spike.

Real facts: someday everyone will be gone. That’s just the reality of life. But does that mean we’re supposed to excuse bad behavior and pretend everything’s fine in the meantime? Should we invite every harmful person over for tea and act like nothing happened? “Ted and Jeffrey, would you please pass the cucumber sandwiches?”

The fact that someone’s mother won’t live forever doesn’t mean they’re now somehow obligated to overlook the pain she caused or pretend it didn’t happen. Suggesting this comes across as dismissive and puts an unfair burden on the person who’s been hurt, as if they’re responsible for smoothing things over to protect their mom’s legacy—or your comfort.

Still think “Someday she’ll be gone” is a helpful response? Let’s try flipping it:

• “But someday that person who stole your inheritance money will be gone.”

• “But someday that boss who fired you without cause will be gone.”

• “But someday that person who abandoned those litters of kittens will be gone.”

Yikes, right? And if you wouldn’t like to be told anything like this, you can bet mother wound survivors don’t either. No one wants to have their pain minimized in place of being offered real support.

Rather than minimizing a survivor’s feelings with comments like this, you can show real care and empathy by saying something like:

• “How your mom behaved is wrong, and you didn’t deserve that.”

• “You deserved so much better from your own mom.”

• “I’m so sorry your mom put you through that.”

  
  

These responses acknowledge the very real hurt they’ve experienced, while also validating their feelings. The truth is, we don’t heal by ignoring harm or pretending it didn’t happen. Healing starts when someone feels heard, understood, and supported. That’s the gift you get to give instead.

Final Thoughts

When someone opens up to you about their mother wound, know they’re entrusting you with something really important. How you respond can either deepen their pain or offer the healing balm of empathy and understanding.

Invalidating comments, even when well-meant, can feel like another layer of betrayal. But with a little intention and empathy, you can offer the kind of support someone needs to heal the mother wound and ultimately move forward.

Are you or someone you love in need of mother wound support? Here at the Mother Wound Project we remember how daunting those early days of healing after a difficult, absent, or abusive mother can be. That’s why we’re committed to creating evidence-based mother wound recovery tools, resources, and support that really work:

• Need to supplement your therapy? Grab a copy of Reclaim: A 60-Day Journal for Healing the Mother Wound, the number one mother wound recovery journal. Buy Reclaim here.


• Looking for 1:1 support? Private mother wound coaching is available. Click here to learn more.


• Ready to know you’re not alone? Join Breakthrough today. Breakthrough is the only online mother wound recovery program run by a mother wound specialist. Learn more about Breakthrough here.