“And maybe this is the Universe where I learn to not need you anymore.” - Heidi Priebe
Breaking up with your mom sucks. There’s no way around it. You’ll wonder if you’re making the right decision, unhelpful family members will say unhelpful things, and you’ll have to face Mother’s Day differently than you have before.
That said, for many people going no contact with mom is the absolute best thing to do. I sat down with eight people who’ve already walked this road and called it quits with their moms. Now I’m sharing (with permission, of course) the wisdom they’ve learned with you.
1. Do things for you for a change
“After I went no-contact with my mom I went and had my long hair completely chopped off. I absolutely love my new look! When my mom was around, that was something I always only dreamed of doing because I didn’t want to have to hear her complain about it or pressure me to grow it out again. It might seem small to some, but for me this was a huge step in reclaiming myself and finally starting to heal from all the years of emotional abuse she put me through.”
- Mckayla, 26
“It took me awhile to realize that my friends who had good relationships with their moms wouldn’t be able to really get what I was going through and that I needed to expand my circle to include other people who were estranged from their moms too and could relate. I mean, it makes a ton of sense to me now. People who haven’t gone no-contact with their mom just don’t understand the emotional rollercoaster of what it’s like. They can’t because they haven’t lived it. I still love my old friends, but I’m so grateful for the new ones I’ve made in my online mother wound community. We’re there for each other in a way others just can’t be.”
- Amanda, 34
3. Some people will be committed to misunderstanding you
“It took me awhile to figure out how some people really don’t want to understand or empathize with me in terms of my mom and why I needed to go no-contact with her. “But she’s your mom!” and “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” were two things I heard all the time when I tried to explain I had to make this choice because my mom was abusive to me. Since my mom wasn’t in prison and she put a roof over my head, as far as these people were concerned I was in the wrong for leaving her. Eventually I came to realize that some people just don’t want to get it, and I don’t need to try to convince them.”
- Brandon, 21
4. Some people might leave you
“I ended my relationship with my mom three years ago, and I really wish someone would have told me that other family members would try to punish me or manipulate me into changing my mind by saying they wouldn’t have me in their life if I wouldn’t have my mom in mine. It was so incredibly painful, and I couldn’t understand why they were being so mean to me. Did they not understand that my mom had done some really terrible things to me, and that I needed to end things with her not because I wanted to but because I had to for my mental health?”
- G.L., 42
5. You might feel all over the place
“I’d already been through a difficult divorce so I figured splitting ways with my mom would be something I would just breeze through more or less. I wasn’t expecting to feel the rollercoaster of emotions that I felt. One moment I’d feel happy to finally be free of her and all her gaslighting and the next I’d feel guilty for missing her birthday.”
- Maria, 37
6. Holidays can be more relaxing
“I cannot even begin to explain how much less stressful the holidays are now that I’m not trying to juggle what my mom wants with what my own family wants. It was like she truly believed her holidays always mattered more than everyone else’s holidays. For example, my teens and I are not religious at all, but my mom thought she was entitled to have everyone go to church with her on Christmas Eve. She would call me saying she needed us all to be there or it would ruin her entire Christmas. I don’t miss that at all!”
- Michelle, 42
7. Mother’s Day might be hard in a new way
“I always used to dread Mother’s Day back when I was still in contact with my self-absorbed mother. There was all this pressure to get her an expensive gift she would like and to host a big get together for her. But no matter what I did, it never was enough, and she was always disappointed in me. After I went no-contact, I figured Mother’s Day would be no big deal anymore since I wouldn’t be shopping for her or hosting a party. Wow, was I wrong! That first Mother’s Day was hard, too, just in a different way. I had a really hard time seeing all the adds leading up to it and then on the day itself I felt really, really sad. Thankfully I felt much better by the day after and the following four Mother’s Days have been peaceful and easy.”
- Tamika, 38
8. Your typical day could be less frustrating
“I have several friends who are always talking about how their moms would rather go on vacation than be there for their grandkids. These friends are understandably frustrated that their moms only want to come around to take pictures with their kids to brag to their friends with instead of actually chipping in and being there as grandmothers. Now that my mom is out of my life, I don’t have that, and I love it! She wasn’t supportive as a grandmother when I was seeing her, and I’m happy to no longer be waiting around hoping for her to change. The contrived photo shoots with tired kids is one less thing for me to deal with.”
- Lauren, 28
