“You are never so a stranger as when you become a stranger.” - Luigina Sgarro
Are you or someone you love currently no contact with a parent—or considering going no contact?
Are you a parent or caregiver hoping to avoid estrangement from your children in the future?
If you answered yes to either of these questions, this post is for you.
Estrangement—or no contact—is an increasingly relevant topic. As our understanding of healthy relationships evolves, so do our expectations for the relationships we choose to maintain, including the ones we have with our parents.
More and more adult children are coming to realize that just because someone holds the title of “Mom” or “Dad” doesn’t mean they’re automatically entitled to a lifelong spot in your social circle. Just as we can end harmful friendships or romantic relationships, it’s okay—and sometimes entirely necessary—to walk away from harmful parental relationships.
At the Mother Wound Project, we are privileged to hear from thousands of people most affected by parent-child estrangement: the adult children themselves. Their stories provide crucial insights into why estrangement happens, how it impacts individuals, and what reconciliation looks like when it’s possible. Here’s just a few of the takeaways we’ve learned:
Estranged adult children often thrive after cutting ties, finding healing and peace in the process.
Successful reconciliations are not as rare as you might think—many parents take accountability and do the hard work of repair.
Adult children don’t decide to estrange on a whim. These decisions are rooted in years—often decades—of trauma or unresolved pain.
In this post, we’ll explore:
What parent estrangement is (and what it isn’t).
How common parent estrangement is (with real statistics).
The causes of parent estrangement and the behaviors that often lead to it.
Practical insights for parents looking to navigate estrangement or avoid it altogether.
Let’s dive in.
What is Parent Estrangement?
Paren estrangement occurs when an adult child makes the deliberate decision to either pause or end their relationship with a parent. While some parent estrangements are long-lasting or permanent, others are temporary and allow for eventual reconciliation.
Importantly, for a severed parent-child relationship to be considered parent estrangement—and not parental alienation or child abandonment—the adult child must be the one initiating the separation.
Quick Note: Parent estrangement is not the same thing as parental alienation or child abandonment. We’ll explain why below.
How Common is Parent Estrangement?
Parent estrangement is far more common than many people realize. Statistics show that:
1 in 26 fathers is estranged from at least one adult child.
6 in 100 mothers are estranged from at least one adult child.
For perspective, this means that for every 1 million mothers, approximately 100,000 experience estrangement from their adult children. While these numbers are significant, estrangement remains underreported and not openly discussed due to societal misconceptions about estranged adult children.
How is Parent Estrangement Different from Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is often confused with estrangement, but the two are entirely different.
Parental alienation occurs when a third party (usually another parent) creates emotional or physical distance between a minor child and a parent without the child’s consent. For example, a controlling father may push his ex-wife out of their young child’s life, preventing contact. In such cases, the pushed-out parent is an alienated parent, not an estranged one, because the child could not consent to the separation.
Estrangement, in contrast, is a decision made by a consenting adult child to leave a relationship with a parent they find harmful or unsustainable.
How is Parent Estrangement Different from Child Abandonment?
While parent estrangement and child abandonment both involve the severing of a parent-child bond, ethically and morally the two are worlds apart.
When an Adult Child Goes No Contact
When an adult child chooses to estrange from a parent, it’s an understandable act of self-preservation. Here’s why:
No consent: Children don’t ask to be born or to have a particular parent. These relationships are initiated entirely without their input or consent, making it their right to decide whether to continue them.
No commitment: Unlike parents, children don’t make a lifelong commitment to provide care, love, or support to their parents. For children, leaving a parent is a basic boundaries decision, not a shirking of responsibility.
When a Parent Walks Away
On the other hand, when the parent is the one who ends the relationship, this is child abandonment, and the moral weight is entirely different. Here’s why:
Full consent: Parents willingly choose to become parents, which by default includes fully accepting the responsibilities of parenthood.
Lifelong commitment: Parenthood is not a job you can walk away from whenever you feel like it; it’s a lifelong role. As Shonda Rhimes famously said, “You can quit a job. I can’t quit being a mother. I’m a mother forever.”
Walking away from a child—no matter their age—is not an act of “self-care” or “having healthy boundaries.” It’s a betrayal of one’s commitment to love a child. Unfortunately, some therapists miss this (and how to help with estrangement) entirely.
Why Do Adult Children Go No Contact?
There’s no one cause of estrangement. Adult children choose to estrange from their parents for a wide variety of reasons, many of which are highly predictable. Some of the more common reasons for estrangement include:
Childhood abuse: Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, or religious abuse.
Childhood neglect: Emotional neglect, physical neglect, or both.
Ongoing abuse: Continued emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or religious abuse.
Favoritism: Unequal treatment compared to siblings or other children.
Lack of accountability: Refusal to acknowledge or genuinely apologize for past harm.
Lifestyle rejection: Disapproval of the child’s degree, career, partner, marital status, or reproductive choices.
Identity rejection: Racism, sexism, heterosexism, cisgenderism, or classism.
Harmful grandparenting: Overbearing behaviors, entitlement, or mistreatment of grandchildren.
While individual reasons for cutting contact differ, something all estranged adult children have in common is that the estranged parent’s presence was more painful than their absence.
How Can Parents Avoid Estrangement?
For parents hoping to maintain strong relationships with their children into adulthood, prevention starts with a willingness to listen and take accountability. Here are some practical tips:
Listen without defensiveness: When your child expresses concerns, resist any urge to minimize or dismiss their feelings.
Take accountability: Acknowledge past mistakes, apologize sincerely, and commit to doing better.
Respect boundaries: Honor your child’s autonomy and independence, even when their choices differ from your own.
Avoid harmful behaviors: Refrain from things like gaslighting, manipulation, or playing the victim.
Commit to growth: Be open to learning about healthy communication, trauma, and how to repair strained relationships.
Looking to learn more? Read this blog post.
The Emotional Impact of Estrangement
Estrangement tends to be an emotional experience. Estranged adult children can expect to feel anything from sheer relief to profound sadness, while estranged parents may experience shame, anger, guilt, or confusion. Recognizing these emotions and seeking the support of a therapist who specializes in this type of estrangement can be a critical step toward healing.
Final Thoughts
Parent estrangement is a complex and deeply personal decision. For estranged adult children, it’s an act of self-preservation, while for estranged parents it’s an opportunity to reflect on what went wrong, hold oneself accountable, and work to do better moving forward. Seeking the support of an estrangement expert who specializes in this particular type of estrangement can be a critical step toward healing.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
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