“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.” - Paul Pearsall
From the moment we’re born, we’re taught the comforting yet misleading myth that all mothers love their children. “What could possibly be harmful about such a heartwarming idea?” you might wonder. As it turns out, quite a lot.
Consider my client Samantha. Raised by a tyrannical mother prone to violent rages, Samantha grew up believing her mother’s physically abusive behavior was an expression of love.
“I got the message loud and clear: all moms love their kids. So when Mom spanked me or slapped me, I convinced myself it was because she loved me,” she shared during our first session.
This distorted understanding of love shaped Samantha’s adult relationships. Like many with similar experiences, she spent her twenties and thirties in abusive relationships, convinced that love was supposed to hurt. “The whole ‘love hurts’ thing?” she said. “Yeah, I learned that as a kid.”
Then there’s Mackenzie, another client of mine. The daughter of a retired Victoria’s Secret model, Mackenzie learned early on that her mother’s affection was based on how thin she was. “The thinner I was, the more Mom loved me,” she wrote in an email. “Whenever I needed to feel loved, I’d stop eating, and sure enough, the praise would come.”
By the time she was 28, Mackenzie had been hospitalized three times for anorexia, yet her mother continued to dismiss her pain, saying, “You’re not thin enough to have an eating disorder.”
When Mackenzie and I began working together just before her 29th birthday, she started to untangle the deeply ingrained belief that her worth—and her ability to be loved—depended on her body size. Over time, she came to see that she was never the problem. The real issue was growing up with an abusive mother in a culture that perpetuates the myth of unconditional maternal love.
“I knew, even as a little girl, that starving myself for Mom’s love didn’t feel right,” Mackenzie said during one of our final sessions. “But I pushed that thought away and blamed myself. Society says moms love their kids, so if I wasn’t loved unless I was thin, the problem had to be me.”
Stories like Samantha’s and Mackenzie’s reveal an uncomfortable yet often ignored reality: not all mothers provide the unconditional love their children need to thrive. Yet, our culture’s deeply ingrained belief that all mothers inherently love their children makes it difficult—if not taboo—to acknowledge or discuss experiences that challenge this ideal.
For those hurt by emotionally immature, absent, or abusive mothers, this myth can breed feelings of shame, isolation, and self-blame. Instead of recognizing the harm they’ve endured at the hands of their mother—their mother wound—survivors often internalize the pain, believing the problem lies within themselves.
So, what exactly is the mother wound? Who can have it, and which moms cause it? How does it show up in people’s lives, and why is recognizing one’s mother wound such a crucial first step toward healing the mother wound? Let’s take a closer look.
What is the Mother Wound?
The mother wound refers to all the pain or trauma immature, absent, or abusive mothers inflict upon their children. There are seven different types of mother wounds. The seven mother wound types include:
The emotional mother wound.
The physical mother wound.
The sexual mother wound.
The economic mother wound.
The religious mother wound.
The neglect mother wound.
The identity mother wound.
Because every mother-child relationship is unique, no two mother wounds can be the same, even amongst biological siblings. Despite this, every mother wound is valid and worthy of acknowledgement and healing.
Who Can Have the Mother Wound?
Mention the mother wound, and many will assume you’re talking about something that only affects daughters. But here’s the truth: unlike the patriarchy, the mother wound doesn’t discriminate on the basis of gender.
Unfortunately, all you need to have the mother wound is an emotionally immature, absent, or abusive mother.
While internalized misogyny and gender norms influence how the mother wound manifests, the reality is that children of all genders can and do carry scars from their mothers. Consider these two real-life examples from my work with clients.
On a Tuesday morning in September one of my clients said:
“My mom treated my brothers like kings who could do no wrong, but was constantly berating me and my sister (her daughters).”
I fully believed my client when she shared her personal experience of daughters being treated more harshly than sons by her mother. Her story not only reflected her truth but also highlighted a common dynamic: mothers showing more care and favoritism toward sons.
In another session later that same day a client said:
“Growing up Mom thought my sisters were perfect and saved her anger and rage for us boys. Beatings, whippings, you name it.”
Again, I didn’t doubt what my client was telling me. Although the roles had been reversed—now it was sons were getting the brunt of the mother’s dysfunction—the mother wound was still just as present in this client’s story as it was in my earlier client’s story.
These examples show that the mother wound can’t be reduced to one gender-based pattern. While some mother wound moms do aim their abuse at their daughters, just as many direct their’s at their other children. As it is with so many others things, one mother wound survivor’s anecdotal experience can never reflect the whole.
At its core, the mother wound is about pain within the mother-child relationship. So whether someone’s a harshly criticized daughter, a physically abused son, or an invalidated nonbinary child, their mother would is equally real and deserving of acknowledgment and healing.
Who Causes the Mother Wound?
Since we’ve already gone over what a child needs to be at risk of developing the mother wound—an emotionally immature, absent, or abusive mother—now it’s time to cover who we’re referring to when we say “mother.”
Are we referring only to biological mothers? To biological mothers and adoptive mothers? To biological mothers and adoptive mothers but not to stepmothers? What about grandmothers, aunts, or legal guardians who step up to be mothers?
When we use the word “mother” here at the Mother Wound Project we’re talking about anyone and everyone who takes on the role of a mother figure in a child’s life. This means mothers include but certainly aren’t limited to:
Biological mothers: This is where most people’s heads go upon learning that they or someone they love has the mother wound.
Adoptive mothers: When adoption isn’t a mother’s first choice, the pain of infertility and/or pregnancy loss can get projected onto her adoptive children.
Birth mothers: We know from adoptees that mothers don’t need to know their children for a long time to leave lasting emotional scars.
Stepmothers: The classic tale Cinderella has been putting a fine point on the fact that stepmoms can cause the mother wound for centuries.
Foster mothers: Not everyone becomes a foster parent for the right reasons.
Grandmothers acting as mothers: Grandmothers who take a maternal role in the lives of their grandchildren are just as capable as causing trauma as any other mother.
Anyone acting as a mother figure: Aunts, legal guardians, adult siblings, and family friends who step into maternal roles assume both the joys and the responsibilities of motherhood.
No matter who played the role of “mom” in your life, if she left you with unmet needs, feelings of abandonment, or lasting scars from her words, actions, or inactions, your mother wound is valid and worthy of healing.
By recognizing that the mother wound can arise from any maternal figure, we move beyond narrow definitions and ultimately create a welcoming community for everyone impacted by the mother wound.
What are the Signs of the Mother Wound?
While every mother wound is unique, the signs of the mother wound tend to be relatively consistent and predictable from one survivor to the next. As someone who’s specialized in the mother wound for the past sixteen years, I’ve found it helpful to divide these signs into five categories. The five categories are:
Emotional mother wound signs.
Relational mother wound signs.
Physical and psychological mother wound signs.
Mother wound signs that pertain to mom.
Mother wound signs that pertain to parenting
As you read through the signs in each of the categories, make a mental note of the ones you’ve experienced in your own life. Experiencing one or more signs in each of the five categories below is a strong indication that you have the mother wound.
Emotional Mother Wound Signs
You experience persistent feelings of guilt or shame.
You get the sense that you’re either “too much” or “not enough.”
You have harsh self-talk and low self-worth.
You have a strong fear of abandonment or rejection.
You don’t know what to do with your own anger.
You frequently dissociate from your feelings.
You find crying babies and children to be highly distressing.
Relational Mother Wound Signs
You have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.
You have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries.
You have a history of unfulfilling or even abusive relationships.
You tend towards being a people-pleaser.
You’re either quick to fight or conflict avoidant.
You open up either too quickly or too slowly to new people.
You expect people to know how to read your mind.
You confuse asking others for help with “being needy.”
Physical and Psychological Mother Wounds Signs
You have unexplained headaches and/or muscle soreness.
You experience unrelenting exhaustion.
You often miss your own hunger or thirst cues.
You have a history of depression or anxiety.
You have a history of CPTSD or panic disorder.
You have a history of addiction (substances, shopping, work, etc.).
You have a history of disordered eating of any kind.
You experience pelvic floor dysfunction and/or hip pain.
Mother Wound Signs That Pertain to Mom
You get the sense that she doesn’t know the real you.
You don’t feel able to share with her how you really feel.
You feel responsible for her happiness.
The idea of telling her “no” feels intimidating.
You feel like the parent or the “mature one” in the relationship.
You often feel stressed or anxious before, during, or after spending time with her.
You can’t remember the last time she genuinely apologized (note: genuine apologies don’t include ifs, buts, or excuses).
Your relationship with her feels one-sided.
You have a history of being abused or neglected by her.
Mother Wound Signs That Pertain to Parenting
You know you want to break the cycle, but frequently find yourself falling back into dysfunctional patterns.
You find the crying of babies and young children to be highly distressing.
Part of you still expects your child to make you feel loved, important, worthy, and/or needed (parentification).
You find yourself relying on negative parenting (bribes, rewards, and punishments) instead of positive/responsive parenting (relationship and connection).
You have unrealistic expectations for your child that don’t match their developmental age/stage.
You often feel disconnected from your child.
You have a history of estrangement with an adult child.
If you recognized yourself in any of the above mother wound signs, it’s important to know that 1) you’re not alone, 2) you’re not broken, and 3) healing is possible. Although it might feel heavy and overwhelming at first, having the mother wound doesn’t define you. And remember, you’re the one who gets to write the rest of your story.
Now let’s shift gears a bit to take a look at which mothers are the most likely to cause the mother wound.
Which Mothers Cause the Mother Wound?
The mother wound isn’t caused by any one “type of mother” or even by a handful of “types of mothers.” Instead, the moms who cause the mother wound are as varied as the moms who don’t.
Consider, for example, one of the most common misconceptions about the mother wound. According to this misconception, the mother wound is another way of saying “My mom has narcissistic personality disorder” or “I was raised by a mom who had borderline personality disorder.”
Can mothers who have NPD or BPD cause the mother wound? Absolutely. Do mothers need to have NPD or BPD to cause the mother wound? Absolutely not.
The reason for this is simple but uncomfortable: the mother wound is caused when mothers engage in behaviors that harm their children, and mothers who meet the diagnostic criteria for either NPD or BPD don’t have a monopoly on behaving in ways that harm their children.
Now about those harmful behaviors... Here are some of the most common behaviors by mothers that are known to cause the mother wound. (Please note this is not an exhaustive list.)
Psychological Behaviors That Cause the Mother Wound
Guilt-tripping: Making her child feel responsible for her emotions, actions, or decisions.
Verbal abuse: Using cruel, demeaning, or belittling language towards her child.
Name-calling: Assigning hurtful labels to her child, such as “brat,” “idiot,” or “fuck face.”
Gaslighting: Denying or invalidating her child’s perception of reality.
Favoritism: Showing clear preference for one child over another.
Manipulation: Controlling her child’s actions or emotions through deceit or pressure.
Shaming: Communicating to her child that something’s inherently wrong with them.
Playing the victim: Shifting the blame onto her child or someone/something else to avoid taking accountability.
Boundary violations: Ignoring or disrespecting her child’s physical, emotional, sexual, or intellectual boundaries.
Emotional neglect: Failing to meet her child’s emotional needs (validation, quality time/attention, affection, etc.)
Silent treatment: Withdrawing her communication or affection to threaten, intimidate, or punish. Includes “time-out.”
Breaking promises: Not keeping her word to her child regardless of any so-called “good intentions.”
Lying: Being dishonest or deceptive to her child’s physical needs regardless of any so-called “good intentions.”
Physical Behaviors That Cause the Mother Wound
Spanking, slapping, or smacking: Using hitting to threaten, intimidate, or harm her child in any way.
Beating, punching, or kicking: Using intense hitting to threaten, intimidate, or harm her child in any way.
Hair pulling, pinching, or arm twisting: Using physical force to threaten, intimidate, or harm her child in any way.
Forced affection: Demanding her child engage in physical closeness of any kind with her or someone else.
Physical neglect: Failing to meet her child’s physical needs (food, water, shelter, proper clothing, medical care, etc.).
Bigoted Behaviors That Cause the Mother Wound
Heterosexism: Demeaning, invalidating, rejecting, or oppressing her child’s LGBTQIA+ identity. Includes referring to her child’s LGBTQIA+ identity as a “choice,” “phase,” or “sin.”
Cissexism: Demeaning, invalidating, rejecting, or oppressing her child’s transgender or gender non-conforming identity. Includes deadnaming and misgendering her child.
Sizeism: Demeaning, invalidating, rejecting, or oppressing her child for their body size. Includes fat shaming and short shaming.
Racism: Demeaning, invalidating, rejecting, or oppressing her child for their skin color, race, or ethnicity. Includes all forms of white supremacy.
Ableism: Demeaning, invalidating, rejecting, or oppressing her child for any mental, emotional, or physical disability either real or imagined (by the mother). Includes refusal to provide therapy.
A Few Final Thoughts
As a mother wound specialist, I have the honor of witnessing mother wound survivors heal and reclaim their joy every single day. Healing is possible!
I know firsthand how overwhelming it can feel to confront your own mother wound—I’ve been there myself. In 2016, I began my own mother wound recovery journey. While excruciatingly tough at times, it turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Not only did I stop my emotionally abusive mom’s voice from living rent-free in my head—phew!—I also got to find out who I truly am. That discovery? Absolutely priceless.
I know how daunting those first steps towards healing the mother wound can feel—that’s where I was 9 years ago. But I share these success stories as proof that healing is not only possible, it might just be the best thing you ever do.
Healing the mother wound requires patience, self-compassion, and the right tools to guide you along the way. That’s why I wrote Reclaim: A 60-Day Guided Journal for Healing The Mother Wound. Inside, you’ll find over 120 guided journal prompts, thoughtfully designed to help you navigate your healing journey, reclaim your joy, and reconnect with your true self.
Ready to Take the First Step?
Grab your copy of Reclaim here and start to heal your mother wound today.
Looking for more personalized support? I offer private mother wound support. Click here to schedule your session.
Want to connect with others on this journey? Join my Breakthrough community. You’ll immediately have access to a supportive community and all my exclusive resources. Sign up here.
You don’t have to do this alone—I’m ready to help you reclaim your peace, freedom, and authentic self so you can get back to what (and who!) really matters.
